looking 4 women 35 to 65 Coming to your City to seek Pleasure.I guess I'm looking for...Hope? I'm at wit's end, and I suppose there's no better evidence of that than putting this on craigslist. I'm not sure where this will go, or what I want out of it...but thank you for reading. I feel self-centered and selfish and rather bad in general for writing out what I'm sure many will see as a long whining session, but I just had to get it out.
I guess we'll start with the vitals. I'm a guy, not far from 30, living in the outskirts of the lehigh valley. I work full time, I guess I'm in decent shape, and that's about it.
I like music, like everyone else. I like movies too, like everyone else. I play video games, I read(a lot), and I still buy toys. I love traveling but don't get to do it much, and I'm pretty sure that's causing me to lose my mind. To compensate, I'll occasionally pick a direction and walk until I can't go anymore in hopes of adventure - but usually end up just sprawled out in a parking lot somewhere twenty miles away ing for a ride back home. I'll have a drink or two, but I'm not really a drinker. I don't do drugs, I don't even smoke. I wouldn't mind going to parties but they're honestly not my thing.
Like a lot of kids, I grew up imagining some great adventure or whatever would eventually, inevitable befall me. It never really did, as I'm sure wound up being the case for all those other kids too. I'm slowly coming to grips with this fact, but being a grown up is terrifying the hell out of me and I really don't think I can handle it.
Now, here's the thing. I shouldn't have a problem with my life. It's better than most lives on this planet, and I know that. I should be thankful for everything.
But I hate it here.
I hate watching the Lehigh Valley slowly be covered in ghettos and urban sprawl. I hate watching what's left of wilderness being eliminated. I hate that there seems to be absolutely no manners, civility, common sense, courtesy, chivalry, compassion, or plain 'being nice' left. I hate that nomatter where I live in this area, I end up with obnoxious, loud, belligerent neighbors. I hate that cowardly little children with guns and bad attitudes have turned places like Allentown and Easton into crime zones.
On a larger scale, I hate that religion has become as loud and belligerent as any bad neighbor. The religious seem to have lost all connection to what their belief really means...meanwhile, those without faith have grown all the more vehement in their insistence on making this world a mundane, banal place. I hate that music has turned to slop, with a 'great song' currently being some talentless hack talking over a good song previously recorded by some other band. I hate that politics have become absolutely batshit, and I hate that people in this day and age are more terrified of gays getting married than of our economy collapsing. I hate how secretly racist and bigoted the world seems to remain, and I hate how much hate seems to be flooding out of me. I hate that violence has become acceptable to us as a society, but the human body is still terrifying and obscene. I hate the hypocrisy and I hate the ignorance, and I hate that people choose to be ignorant hypocrites. I hate that there's no magic or wonder or mystery anymore.
Wow, that was a lot.
Anyway, here's the thing - I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be so angry, but I can't help but boil every time I read or watch the news, or even just watch people act in infuriating ways. I have severe anxiety and depression, which I take mild medication for because heavier stuff made me worse. I saw doctors and shrinks and went to the ER and was almost put away for it, but I wasn't. I don't have any real friends I can confide anything in, just a scattering of acquaintances who I can't really share /me/ with, because that's not what they want. They want the reliable me, the me they can count on to help whenever they need it, they want the comedian me who can get a laugh out of any situation, or they want the angry ranting me who writes things like you just saw. I've been in a relationship for a very long time, and I feel like I don't know where to turn with it. She loves me, I think, but I don't know if she's in love with me...and I feel a distance growing between us. But she needs me, and here I am. There's someone I think I'm really meant for, but she's a very long way away and I don't know if I'm brave enough to risk everything. I have a loving family who hang a perpetually vague but insistent sort of expectancy over me: that I need to be more successful, married, a parent, etc. I have a full time job in retail that I really believe is killing me, but I can't afford to quit. I guess what I'm saying is...beyond all that hate, I'm scared.
I'm scared that this anxiety/depression thing will get worse, or never get better. That it will define me. I'm scared that it's something worse than these things and I might lose my mind someday. Actually, I'm absolutely terrified of this. I'm scared that the reason I don't really have close friends is because something is wrong in me that I can't see or fix. I'm scared to death that I'm going to look back and see that I wasted my twenties. I'm terrified that I'll never have that adventure, and that my window for it is closing in a hurry - or already has closed. I'm scared that I don't have the courage to do what it would take to get that adventure. I'm terrified that someday I'll think I have things figured out, but it'll turn out I've just gone crazier. I'm terrified that I simply can't handle being on my own, and if I was single I'd just wind up wasting away in my parent's house. I'm scared that despite what I hope, that I've got very few real talents - and that those I have aren't terribly useful or interesting. I'm terrified that I'm just becoming a cynical jerk, and that there's no hope to recover. I'm terrified that I'm not suited for the only job I have the credentials to get, and that if I do quit my current job I'll just end up unemployed and spiraling down. Every time I do something a little bad for me, like have a drink, I get scared that I'll fall into some pit and get addicted. I'm scared that I'll always have these mini-anxiety attacks, and that they're slowly wearing down my nerves. I'm scared.

And I'm realizing this is getting really long, so I'll stop. I don't know why I put all of this here, but here it is...my hand reaching out into the cyberspace darkness. Help?
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Hot pussy want flirt Midtown lunch date in car breast play. Lets KIK in the rain Dark, Lost Soul searching for another Mystic Prelude
Or, any other Spiritual title/label you better identify with. The progression youve made on your path(s) is mostly irrelevant; Im open to Protomystics and even the fully uninitiated, as long as youre genuinely interested and open to Spirituality.
So, Im looking for a Spiritualist/etc whos in a similar state of disarray. If youre fully/nearly gone off on the deep, dark end- step right up! Dont be shy. If youre on the other side of the spectrum, Im not opposed. Im not going to "steal your light" (I have enough of my own, thanks) or lower your vibrations. HOWEVER- if you fall under any of these categories, immediately fuck off:
Drive-by reply.
Drive-by reply of a "helpful"/"inspirational"/etc (read: bullshit) message.
(When I say drive-by, I mean you send a message or two, and then you fuck off. I have a far
better course of action. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go directly to fucking off.)
Wannabe Spiritualists/etc.
Actual Spiritualist/etc who are paradoxiy closed minded, ignorant, and/or those 0% adverse
and against anything thats dark or negative.
of a little dark. If it gets too dark, dont worry. Ill hold your hand through it.
Youre an idiot.

The Darkest Hour + Informational
Alright! Now with the introduction and prerequisites out the way, heres a little about myself.
Lets see .the mundane. I enjoy- ah fuck that. Skip. Next! If youre really that interested/make it that far, Ill indulge you in what hobbies and activities I enjoy.
Now, deeper down the rabbit hole there was a time where I shined with such brilliance. Its so much darker now. This is such a strange world. Ive fallen so far. Im still not sure how it happened; at least how it progressed this far. Why it happened. Why I let it happen (mostly not of my own accord, but Im sure there is some fault of my own mixed in).
My thoughts are in chaos. Heart in darkness. A shrouding veil covering my eyes. Enlightened, yet lost. Im looking but cant see ahead. I dont care anymore. Im fucking burned out.
I get it, I get how life works. You wake up, study/work, eat, recreation, fuck, sleep, then rinse repeat. Ive slept. Ive studied. Ive had a nice career. Ive fucked. Alright, sure, its not so bad once you hit a certain threshold- especially if youre unaware of the greater intricacies of the Universe. But Ive always wanted more. Simply existing was not enough. In the past, I did the grind, and worked in the more metaphysical aspects at my leisure. It was good. Then it wasnt. It got bad. And now, if you dont enjoy life, you dont your desires, and your motivational engine is shot to shit, that kinda changes things up.

Philosophical Musing + Rant
I was recently pondering the meaning of (physical) existence. In lighter times, what I studied and what was one of the commonly accepted trains of thought in Spiritual teachings and circles has varied greatly of what I think now. (If youre actually curious, ask and you may receive.) After some extrospective analysis, I came to the conclusion that existence is pointless. There is no point of any of this. Your life is relatively pointless. Sure, you may disagree and say what about those around me? They would be emotionally hurt/devastated without me. Perhaps, but lets include everyone and even everything. You might say you want to live and reproduce. Thats just your biological and genetic programming in your telling you that. But you dont see it as that. You see that as you making those choices. Lets apply that to ever greater scales. You are not required for the planet to continue. No other lifeforms are for that matter. Earth would still be Earth with only rocks and water. Earth is not required for the Solar System. The Solar System isnt required for the Milky Way. The Milky Way isnt required for the Universe. The Universe isnt even required! Its just there. All this shit is just there. Aside from the scientific reasons of why things are the way they are (the most prevalent theory being when the Universe came into existence, there was a slight imbalance in matter and antimatter, etc).
If you cant see the bigger picture or what lies behind the curtain, then you must be really scratching your head at this point. Theres plenty of other posts offering FREE massages, Ill-post-in-the-platonic-section-looking-for-a-hook-up-so-Im-not-cheating-on-my-spouse, fat people who cant admit it (the "slist Curvy" ), the lowest common denominator of society (it seems this site is a magnet for such scum), etc, ZzzZzZzzZzZzzZZzz

Closing
Holy shit, son. If you made it this far, not too shabby. If you could understand this, impressive. If anything I said resonates within, its time to hit that reply button (and change the subject line to something original!) In essence, Im searching for a counterpart to myself. A companion to delve once more inside, outside, and beyond. Maybe I missed a spot. Maybe not all is lost. If you met me in the wild, you wouldnt know any of this. You wouldnt see past the smile on my face, empty or not. Despite all this, I still naturally give off good vibes. Im no party pooper. Im still enjoyable company! Imagine that. Who would have known after reading this? I can still throw down with the best of them.
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