I watched her walk across the parking lot her apprehension was apparent to me and anyone who have been watching, I didn't want this for either of us but I couldn't change the circumstances. What do you want from me she asked with an irritated tone? “A million words but nothing you are unwilling to give” I quickly replied. “I want to learn from you I want to hear about your choices and mistakes, both good and bad. I want to find me, the me who used to easily and freely. I want to argue, fight, cry and grow. She listened to my words but I could in her face the hesitation, the wanting to trust and believe and yet the fear. I knew immediately she had been hurt and was unwilling to open herself up to more possible pain. It broke my heart to the uncertainty cross her face, I wished her no harm and was angry at those who had hurt her before. I wanted her to understand I was not a threat; I was not in with her just that I loved her for who she was in my life. For whom she allowed me to be when I was with her. I had no idea what I would feel in the future I only knew that time with her was somewhat safe. I needed all the safe places I could find right now. Besides, I let her know that I still didn't trust her % because I knew she had laughed at me a couple times. So I was a bit wary, I wasn't sure if the laughing was because I was funny or it was to make fun of me. I was quite perceptive and I knew a lot more that she thought I did. I had done my research and so I thought I was ahead of the game going in. I understand a person is only as good as the time they put into something so I wondered how truly she was and was I making a good choice. I knew what my fallacies were, shoot I had heard them enough times from all the wrong people. I also knew how I was and was more than willing to make changes. My changes, not something another person had pointed out. If I followed that path I would make no real changes at all. Because that was the life I had come from, living life as I thought others wanted me to. I knew I had a lot to learn but I figured that if I just had someone to listen to, someone who had gone before me I could listen and learn. I knew that for me listening and then personally trying was how I learned best so why not her, why not someone I wanted to get to know.

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it's all well and good that you can state these things about yourself (drawn to 'dysfunctional' women, etc.), but the question remains whether or not you want to change that about yourself; whether or not you've really internalized what that means. It's a bit off to just slap a label on this woman as 'dysfunctional,' lump her into the same category with your last 2 exes, and say "oh well, there I go again." And this is because the essential problem that you have is with yourself. You are dysfunctional with yourself. I'm a bit concerned by the deep division you seem to have within yourself. You say one want one set of outcomes, yet you spend your time and energy on acquriing people and scenarios that, in fact, inhibit your getting what you say you want. Is there no woman you know, or get to know, who might want the same things that you claim you want? Or, is that sort of woman not so attractive to you? Consider: What might it be about obtaining, or even working toward, these goals that has you so repelled/ terrified? Why do you think you might actively be sabotaging your life goals, if these things (family, etc.) are really what you want? A good woman who wants you back, and wants the same things that you want, not come with the risk/ baggage/ fringe-level 'prestige' that this (fantasy of a) relationship with the Australia woman brings. And that is a GOOD thing. What you have with the woman in Australia is not intimacy; it's smoke and mirrors. You should really try to forget the prestige and the 'piece of the action' thing. This lead you nowhere except deeper into the rabbit hole of dysfunction, feeding your self-esteem issues and putting band-aids on deeper-seated ego problems that (I'm only guessing) you might have. If this is how you want to proceed, well, on you're doing great. But do know that you never really feel right within yourself. You'll slowly turn all the relationships in your life into hedged bets. Think about it, that's what chasing prestige is all about, hedging bets and others YOU as a hedged bet, as well (and around and around you'll go) at the end of the day, you'll find yourself feeling used, lonely, and unfulfilled despite any successes. (Please trust me on this, I have a close friend in their 60s who's dealing w/ this).

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