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I wonder if you can Feel me too, or maybe I just wish I felt you, and wish you felt the pain that drounds me and that it would be enough to be the lifeguard, you always promised you would be, because I acted on your greatest fear and jumped without my life jacket (you).. And I realize you were always my rescue, but sometimes people like (me) have to act so rashly on insecurities and jump to swim to the safest shore to know they are ok.. But I jumped and a year later I haven't swam.. And some days I feel like I'm sinking to the depts of the ocean only to open my eyes from drifting off too far from holding the branch that's been barley floating me by, only to find its a struggle.. because everytime a boat passes me by.. Sometimes I hide, or go under and hold my breathe until they drive on by, I've seen many boats, boats to safety, boats to happiness, boats that were also sinking.. But if they even passed me by for help, i told them I was just going for a swim and I didn't need their hand to save me.. I'm a captain without a ship, and just like a captain.. The love for his ship is so great, that if his ship sunk.. He did too, because just like the heart he feels his ship has.. They will become one as a heart in the ocean and forever on together no matter if the direction they were going was down.. I'm sitting close to where I used to meet you, and I know you're not coming, but still I wait.. And I project the memories we once lived that have faded and became the past that stands in the way of my present life from pushing forward.. as time has lead on, and the seasons have changed like my heart and I can see over the walls we both built.. It comes through my brain, and fills my eyes, my heart and my entire life with pure pain.. That haunts me. You were so much diffrent, And we were the change.. The change.. that has forever imprinted and affected my life so much, "they" could sit here and tell me why.. And how, and "it's going to be ok".. But without you, I don't exist. And do I not exist because I don't want too?.. Do I not exist, because I'm so fragile that I'm broken and broken things yes they exist, but they are put to the side sometimes in the dark, on the shelf and out of sight, in hopes of one day they are fixed and without "you" they have no meaning and they would only exzist if you wanted them too, and i feel you haven't given me fully away yet for someone else to see the that beyond what is "trashed".. And that's a thought I hope that hasn't crossed your mind.. Because I don't want you to give me away, or throw me away, I want you to fix me, fix this and help each other clean up this mess we both made. I want to work again, I want to smile again, I want to love and hold you like I did, Cause "i rather wake up beside you and breathe that old fimmiliar smell".. Not a new one. Yeah I love you, yeah I always have, and I always will, I will always the weight of you, and I really have hoped night after night you felt the same way too. I love you.. And if there's anything I should be happy for or greatful for is knowing that now I can say I truly know what it felt like to have loved someone so unconditionally.. And still do.. The true meaning of love I can still feel it linger.. If you're happy, then at least I know.. That either way you made it out of the dark we both found each other in even if it was without me.. And at least I know i was good for something and was able to accomplish something even if wasn't WITH you, but for you.. Even if that means this is going to me, and my I'm .. And if the true meaning of love is to let it go.. Then I will wait until you let me go. I remember the first night I feel in love with you, and no matter how much I wouldn't have admitted that then or even our whole relationship the night I feel in love with you, was the night.. At that table, outside, in the cold and in the dark, it was raining so hard.. When I looked into your eyes I knew that you would be the one.. That even if I got away, or you got away, I would always love you, and we shared so much pain.. That is far to much for anyone else to that I would always want to you, even if you felt.. I wouldn't.. But I do. I miss you so much "daddy" I know you are a great one, but that chance we had to share that together was out of my control, but i still blame myself.. And wish we could be sharing that right now.. Even if me and you still wouldn't have worked out for other reasons I would still have a piece of you, that I could see myself in.
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