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CONTEXT of your sad tragic life : " .But my biggest regret is that I had "wasted" my youth, and would never get it back ." You were in your early 40's Thirty years ago! Oh well. I was in my early 40's < fedguy > It hit me like a ton of bricks, despite having a couple videos and toys. It never occurred to me that I might be. Weren't all men curious about these things? I had several dates with what I had presumed was the ideal woman very attractive, funny, good company, independently wealthy. She invited me in. I declined, and went home, realizing that *something* was wrong. That's when it finally hit me. The missing "factor" in my equation: I was -! Then my life flashed before me, and lots of other events suddenly became clear. I felt very stupid not to have realized it sooner but in my generation, and in my family, such things were NOT a topic of conversation. I always felt a bit sorry for her. I never saw her again, and never ed back to explain. I was too obsessed with my new found social life to give it much thought at the time. In the run, of course, its better that I found out before getting more involved, but she must have felt rejected for no fault of her own. But my biggest regret is that I had "wasted" my youth, and would never get it back. If my ship had not already sailed, it was at least ready to pull up the. That's why I counsel all those "on the fence" to come out of their closet and live their life. Whatever fears you have are not worth wasting a single minute, and certainly not harming the lives or others, nor going to your grave without knowing what real feels like. On the plus side, I was a social guy, athletic, and reasonably attractive. I would probably be dead from AIDs had I realized I was in my 20's.