What Am I, Scum?

Marriage Discussion

What Am I, Scum?

Postby Sorcha » Sat Aug 07, 2010 2:50 am

What Am I, Scum?
I've been married over 10 years. Since the beginning she'd agree to sex no more than once about every 4 months. About 6 years into the marriage, she just started saying no and never said yes again. So, it's been 4 years since. That and she forbids me from having friends because "when you grow up you don't need friends anymore". For the longest time I've known I'm only staying because I love my kids to death and couldnt stand not seeing them everyday. I think she has historiy only wanted me there because I actually make a fair amount of money and she's a stay at home mom.

So, I did ultimately lose my composure and have a 1 night stand. I felt so bad about it I'm having anxiety/panic/etc issues. I decided that the best thing to do would be to tell her about it. Secretly I was hoping she would kick me out of the house. That way she wouldn't be able to tell the kids 'I left'. Unfortunately she didn't kick me out. She just said "Oh ok, you do realize that means we'll never have sex again though" (remember, it's already been over 4 years) and she kept on trucking like nothing happened.

What the hell? Someone please provide an outsiders view because I'm having daily heart attacks over this stuff..
Sorcha
 
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Re: What Am I, Scum?

Postby beryl » Wed Aug 11, 2010 7:00 pm

Sounds like an invitation to repeat.
It's not like you have a lot of marital sex to lose
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Re: What Am I, Scum?

Postby martin » Wed Aug 11, 2010 7:02 pm

Refusing to have sex is grounds for divorce
Not scum, but the term "doormat" and "pushover" comes to mind. Almost half of your married life she has refused to have sex? Did she have problem pregancies, or what? And before that, it was about 3-4 times a year? Good lord, how did you ever conceive children with that lousy frequency rate? Basiy, by saying, "OK, but no more sex from me," she has given you tacit permission to look for sex outside of the marriage. Why in the hell did you go for SIX YEARS without insisting on marital counseling? The way I see it, either she agrees to go to marital counseling with you, or she agrees to your finding sexual partners outside of marriage
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Re: What Am I, Scum?

Postby Rochell » Wed Aug 11, 2010 7:09 pm

Doormat
When we got married we had sex twice on our weeklong honeymoon. Guess what, pregnant with twins. So we didn't really need sex (from her view) until we were ready for more. But my requests for what she s 'constant sex' (I proposed once every 2 weeks would be good) were denied unless she really wanted me to do something major like repaint the house. Then I'd get it. So 6 years later she wants another child and actually initiated sex like 5 times. Wham, pregnant right away. After that no more need for sex from her viewpoint. So I just suffered and finally caved with a 1 night stand. My marriage is miserable, I want her to kick me out. I can tell you there's no way she is giving me permission for outside sex. My wife is the type that keeps notes of all the things I've ever done to upset her and reminds me of them often. Hell, I don't want outside sex - I'd be happy with marital sex. I agree I'm a doormat. Is there a female that can explain what to do in a marriage where the woman has zero libido, refuses marital counseling, and children are involved
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Re: What Am I, Scum?

Postby Woodson » Wed Aug 11, 2010 8:23 pm

Maybe you should find yourself
a dominetrix. Maybe if some other woman bossed your around and treated you like dirt you might stand up to your wife. You should not stand for what she is doing to you. But I think you play a role in this and you are too passive. You want her to throw you out. You don't seem capable of leaving on your own. I think you need to work on your passivity and she needs to work on her pushiness. <BR
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Re: What Am I, Scum?

Postby Thedora » Wed Aug 11, 2010 9:04 pm

Both ways
Well, what I didn't mention is that my wife loves to fight. Every one of our relatives have been banned from our house for some reason within the past decade (her mother lied about having a new beau = no speaking for 1+ years). So, she's quite confrontational and expects me to be confrontational with her enemies. When it comes to her, she expects me to have a totally passive personality: she sets the rules, no questions. Funny, her family loves me to death and her mom actually hinted that she wouldn't blame me if I had an affair - weird stuff. I think you guys have nailed it though. I suck and need to grow a pair. Unfortunately when I grow a pair I expect world war 3, me leaving the house, and hardly getting to spend any time with my kids that are my sole purpose in life. Crap. Poor kids
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Re: What Am I, Scum?

Postby Ihor » Wed Aug 11, 2010 11:21 pm

It doesn't have to be WWIII.
There is a difference between being asserted and being aggressive. Your wife is aggressive because she is not considering your needs. It is possible for you to stand up for yourself without disregard for your wife's needs. She may want to boss you around but that is not a need of hers. She may not want you to not have friends but that is also not about her needs. She sounds like an angry person. Would she ever consider taking antidepressants. They might help with her anger and hostility that she seems to hold onto. You can learn not to be passive and assert yourself. You can't change her but you can change your behavior toward her and as a result force her to adjust how she relates to you. And if she sees you making progress from going to therapy she might actually consider going herself. Because she has some issues she needs to work on. And if she doesn't then you will probably get a divorce and find someone who you can be happy with
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Re: What Am I, Scum?

Postby Fawne » Thu Aug 12, 2010 12:06 am

I think you need to spend
a lot of time thinking about your marriage and your wife's behavior. People are about as happy as they decide to be. ~Abe Lincoln Your wife has decided to be a nasty bitch. She doesn't realize that she has a choice. And unfortunately your kids may grow up that way too. I think you should do everything you can to ensure that your wife does not get to raise your kids if you get a divorce. And I think the prospect of a divorce is in your future. I would do like the other poster said and consider video tapping her, keep track of all the school teachers she has gone off on, anyone else that she has behaved badly toward, her family that she has shut out for minor slights, etc. Keep records of the incidents, the behavior, the things she says to the kids, whatever you think is about her angry persona. I think you have a process ahead of you of standing up to her. And that might include taking the kids from her when you get divorced. But you have a long process ahead of you; one step at a time
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Re: What Am I, Scum?

Postby beresfor » Thu Aug 12, 2010 12:35 am

are you freakin serious?
okay, so your wife is abusive. you need to get out. she throws out your mail?! she tried to shame you out of having any male friends?! she sounds extremely hateful and controlling. she DOES have a mental health problem. i have no idea why you are putting up with this. stop living in fear, no one deserves to be emotionally abused by their spouse. reconnect with your friends and family. talk to them as often as you please. tell her not to touch another piece of your mail or other belongings. and file for divorce
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Re: What Am I, Scum?

Postby Isin » Thu Aug 12, 2010 12:53 am

sounds like lack of sex is the least of yr probs
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