Semi OT - Disappointed in friend

Marriage Discussion

Semi OT - Disappointed in friend

Postby uhn-soon » Wed Nov 10, 2010 3:25 pm

Semi OT - Disappointed in friend
I posted this yesterday in the womens forum but thought i would get better advice in here. I recently had a disaster in my life. Basiy, my apt. got destroyed due to water and is uninhabitable. I didn't have renter's insurance (i know, kicking myself now). My furniture got ruined and didn't really have a place to go for more than a short time. There are plenty more details. But long story short... I have a friend I have known for 20 years (since we were young kids) and I am super disappointed in how shitty a friend she has been. She lives alone in a 2 bed/2 bath apt yet hadn't offered to let me stay. I haven't been handling the stress of being displaced/having most of my stuff ruined etc. very well and she knows this. Yet she never ed to check in on me since about 2 days after this all happened. Which was 2 weeks ago. She also didn't offer to cancel her plans the night i was doing so poorly (her plans were to get a drink with another friend, not what i would consider important). We normally email everyday at work and those dropped off completely. She went on a vacation (a leisurely one, not an active one). Never offered to let me stay at her place while she was gone, nor checked in with me to see how i was doing at any point. Just basiy, completely unsupportive. Went about her daily life seemingly not caring about me even though she knew i essentially had no place to go. I finally emailed her today asking her if everything is okay b/c i hadn't heard from her and she said everything is fine, just been busy with going away and all. Then she asked me if i was still in the state! How could you think a friend might leave the state because she has no where else to go and still not contact her? I just don't get it. I'm upset, pissed etc. I hate confrontation but i want to let her know how upset and disappointed i am. I would NEVER have treated her (or anyone else) this way. Any suggestions on going about this?
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Re: Semi OT - Disappointed in friend

Postby Katerine » Thu Nov 11, 2010 2:41 am

You sound VERY entitled.
It's not a requirement for a friend to offer to help you out. You are the one who didn't think ahead and now you expect your friend to spring to your aid, regardless of what may or may not be going on in her life. You do not get to pass judgement on your friends' priorities. Your friend is not a mind-reader. She may have grown up around people who never would have accepted help from friends so she doesn't think about offering assistance, or she may just feel like your life is not as much of her business as you seem to think it is. Some people just naturally do not pry and some are just naturally caught up in their own world, so if we want or need anything from them, we have to interject ourselves. There's a rule in life that I live by: "You never get anything that you don't ask for." If you wanted her help so desperately, why didn't you ask? How to patch things up? Start with taking that giant chip off of your shoulder. No one benefits from this kind of resentment. Secondly, talk to her about it. Ask questions and listen to what she has to say. Lastly, if you still need help, ask for it</I
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Re: Semi OT - Disappointed in friend

Postby Kimberli » Thu Nov 11, 2010 3:04 am

I'm not sure I agree
A big part of my post is how she hadn't contacted me at all to see if i was okay. I don't think that is expecting someone to be a mindreader, but a courteous, caring friend. This isn't about her not offering actual assistance. It's about not offering to be a decent friend, putting a night aside to spend time with me when i'm going through something traumatic. When is an email, text or too much to ask of someone when you're in distress and have known them for 20 years
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Re: Semi OT - Disappointed in friend

Postby Mair » Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:32 am

I'm sure you would have appreciated more s
and emails, but what I really think you were expecting was an offer to let you move in with her. "She lives alone in a 2 bed/2 bath apt yet hadn't offered to let me stay.". Having someone move in with you indefinitely is a huge lifestyle change. She probably doesn't want to offer to let you move in because she really doesn't want to give up her privacy and is avoiding contact with you as a way of not letting the subject come up. Sometimes these temporary arrangements can go on and on and it becomes very awkward to ask the person to leave. All you can do is flat out ask to move in and see what she says. It would help if you had a definite move out date you could commit to
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Re: Semi OT - Disappointed in friend

Postby Hrdata » Mon Nov 15, 2010 4:24 pm

I can see how that
may be the case. But i really don't even care to live with her. I honestly just wanted her to offer and i was surprised that she was the only person that didn't. And more than that, i'm just disappointed that she just didn't to see how i was doing at any point. Her communication completely dropped off. If that is how you treat a lifelong friend just because you're afraid they want to stay with you, that's pretty sad. Other friends that did offer live much too far away for me to get to work in the AM
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Re: Semi OT - Disappointed in friend

Postby khoanh » Fri Nov 26, 2010 4:03 pm

Why is this so much about her?
You aren't out anything because of her. There was no expectation that she should offer up her place or cancel her plans because of this. I'm sorry. I really am sorry for what happened to you, but a bump in the road in your life (sorry, but this is hardly a medical emergency or sudden unexpected death of a life partner) does not mean that the rest of the world stops revolving and rushes to pamper you and offer the shirt off their back. Why can't you take the rent you were going to pay to this apartment and get a new apartment? You can make it without furniture in the immediate future. I've done it before
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Re: Semi OT - Disappointed in friend

Postby Venkat » Mon Nov 29, 2010 10:29 am

I wish people would understand
that it is FAR less about what she could offer me in terms of a place to stay etc. It is much more about how i felt like she wasn't there for me in a time of need. Even to send a quick text saying she's thinking of me, hope everything is going okay etc. Some gesture of support or compassion. Unfortunately I cannot afford a comparable apartment. Apparently the one i had just moved into was very much too good to be true, so i'm trying to find a roommate on
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Re: Semi OT - Disappointed in friend

Postby Ivy » Tue Nov 30, 2010 2:57 am

Length of friendship does not equal
depth of friendship. Obviously she's not as good of a friend to you as you thought she was. Move on. Don't hold onto this relationships simply because you've known her for 20 years. If it's not in her nature to treat you the way you want to be treated, and it's not in your nature to ask her to treat you in specific ways, then end this toxic relationship and foster the healthy friendships you have in your life
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Re: Semi OT - Disappointed in friend

Postby Niki » Thu Dec 02, 2010 2:33 am

But didn't you talk two days after it happened?
Some people are more private than others. Some people handle stress and conflict better than others. Some people prefer space to deal with life's troubles. I think it's unfair of you to expect her to read your mind with this. I can see you feel very traumatized, but it seems like you're trying to transfer that trauma to her, expecting her to put you up, expecting her to cancel plans so you can cry about your scenario, she seems to be kind of on the "hands off" end of the spectrum, and you seem to be on the needy end. Maybe she's just not good in the comforter role and you need to look elsewhere? Where can you stay? Have you contacted support groups in your area like churches, the red cross? Have you found a new apartment
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Re: Semi OT - Disappointed in friend

Postby margarid » Sat Dec 11, 2010 2:17 pm

we did talk
but I did express that i wasn't handling this well etc. Like i've said in other replies, the biggest thing is how she didn't even bother to send even the smallest communication to see if i was okay, had found a place to stay etc. If that is seriously too much to ask/expect from a person, then they're not the kind of friend i'm interested in
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