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I am so sorry for embarrassing you. I miss your body too. i miss your bigness...your arms wrapped around me. you make me feel safe. and right now i just don't feel grounded or secure. I want to crawl into your bed and be there when you get home every night........but i'm afraid that nothing will really change. it never has. and now there is even more reason to punish me. i'll allow it, and i'll punish myself. i fucked up and i don't think that you can really forgive me. ...........I understand that you want action. but i honestly don't know how to right this wrong. i don't know how to make any action that will take away what happened. what i did. what you did. what we have done. i don't know how any act of just showing up would solve any problem...and the thing that scares me the most is that we would be fine for a moment, bc we love to be in each others' presence...but just like last weekend. it would all come back full circle. i don't know how to move forward from here. especially on my own. i don't know how to fix this. i feel like i should just disappear. and maybe it will all end. but i know that it wont. i know that the pain will endure and then it wont. and then i'll just look back. in saddness and regret. but it's been a year of this up and down.
i don't know how to tell you i am sorry without sacrificing my own feelings of hurt. without ignoring the disregard for feelings. but i am. I want us to be ok. But its so much bigger than just what I did....
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