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lessons from this experience I think the hardest one be how you fucked up. You know I am quite a bit older than you, had more chances to mess my life up at times and go off the rails. Part of life is moving forward and dusting yourself off after a fall. In shit like and relationships one of the worst parts of the failure is realizing that while this was special to you it still wasn't 'that' special. That gold standard we've been told about the 'happily ever after and 'till death do you part' standard. Your wife has a pattern doesn't she, something she does when the chips start to fall regardless of what the problem is in her relationship. She finds a replacement and the easiest is to look backward oh, I what we had. Of course YOU were different, you're the ONE who's going to change all that because what you guys have is special. Now there's some rocks to turn over if you want to and what you could try next, I'm sure there are stressors you could look to eliminate and self improvement you could make and raise that bar yet again. There are things I've experienced and mistakes I've made that I could in what you've written..the fact you thought you were giving an honest assessment of your marriage yet you slanted it as 'trying everything' and she's sinned and that's probably something you really believed at that moment too. I mean think about it if that's how you sell these attempts to your wife don't you think that pegs the bullshit meter? If you were on the other side of that would you get pissed or try to listen? But that bullshit meter should on your choices too she moved on to you just in the same way as the others, when your relationship hit the rocks she followed the same kind of pattern and you know where this has led in the past and you are trying like hell not to have it go there again. Yeah there's a it's PPD, being away doesn't help, you're not a saint but but there's still the pattern. How do you change that or accept it, deal with it, support a change to it? I mean she defending it didn't she? Protected it when threatened, fought for it you fucking snoop. Yup, probably you could have done it better..you should look at it too. But . I don't envy your choice I'd sit in front of a counselor to think it out.

on business. Sometimes I would accompany my coworkers to the straight strip joints in Cahokia, and if I remember correctly, they were open until like 6am. Dragging my ass to work the next day was real tough.

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extreme kinks of days gone by that are never going to be again. Whether it's due to compatibility issues (he just ain't into THAT), or health and safety issues (RACK is all fine and dandy until you absolutely have to stay alive for the sake of the family you are now raising). When I was engaging in all those extreme kinks in said bygone days, I didn't much vanilla. I was in a heavy, weird, kinky and yeah a bit abusive relationship and I used to just kind of generally wish things were a bit more "normal," that I felt a bit more valued but I don't think that's what you were getting at. So, I try to enjoy this nice balanced semi-pesudo-kinky, mostly-vanilla sex life I have now for what it's worth. Even though I pine all the time in my mind for, y'know more, harder, worse, more extreme.

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