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gained too much weight, and it seems to me that everyone is going places and doing things, and I am a bit stagnant. I have no financial problems and can go wherever I want, but unlike joelq, I don't enjoy going alone all the time. I am angry at myself for gaining weight, and I feel old and tired. I am angry that I just now ate a cupcake with thick icing at only 10AM. It seems that food is my only enjoyment at the time :(

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So I was conceived, I was kicked while still in my mothers stomach, I was born, my first memory was waking up to my mother being beaten probably raped while crying out "No please not infront of the -" as my brother cried with me as we listened, the first Christmas I remember was of my father scattering our gifts my mother had gotten out in the front yard then setting them ablaze with gasoline, I moved with my mother brother away from that bastard for a while~ several years until I made one of the worse mistakes a 8yr old could make I cried for my father as I was jealous of other fathers, He came back verbal ensued, then we shorty after moved with him to a trailer park in a shabby crack home, there we were my mother, father, brother, a whore, her daughter myself all in a tight cramped space, I saw endured here was very bad also including psychical as well as emotional, after a couple years my mother, brother I finally managed to leave once more, we escaped to my grandmothers house where life was better but my mother had developed a ever exceeding suicidal habit, If it was finding a knife suicide letter or her taking a bottle of prescription medicine all at once then driving to the with me my brother in the car to go get a refill while waiting outside in the car under sweltering heat, or even driving drunk while taking myself my childhood best friend down an interstate but not making it as we had to take the wheel for her steer into a service station to avoid a fatal crash sleeping in the car until she sobered up, my mother went away my grandmother took great care of us as she was truly a saint, things began to look up for away she gave us great morals, took fantastic care of us, what a woman! She was diagnosed with lung cancer, she died, my brother was heartbroken, my brother was diagnosed with "schizophrenia", psychologist have their ways statistics of explaining the reasons for contracting this debilitating disease, my reason??? The years of horror, because he got it a little bit worse than me, he was the "chicken shit" because he told the my father beat my mother, he got scorned treated as a lesser sibling everyday of his life, I just had it easy I got to sit back enjoy the ride, all I had to deal with was a little verbal watch the horror flick,

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